Almost There.

I have never had a child. But, making this album has felt like a journey, a growing picture of my experiences in this life, glimpses of tears, joys, fears and finally hope. Hope that all I have given my life to is Real. I'm coming to the end of this road and ready for it to be out! Ready for you to hear and hopefully truly see what I have seen, through this music. Love Himself is more 'real' then we think. Less religious then what we've grown up to believe. Closer than we ever thought he could be. I Hope you see it too! With a little help from my friends we thought we'd show you a snippet of one of my songs on the album! This always puts a smile on my face! Enjoy.

Look Again

A little perspective changes everything. Maybe try looking at the big picture, or if you're always looking at the big picture, maybe try finding a small detailed part of whatever it is and remember why the big picture is so important. Just got to look again from a different angle. Once perspective has done it's job.

Purpose makes itself clear again. And with a little of everything, joy, adventure, sweat, pain, laughter and tears, plus the all encompassing Love Himself...

You find that your not only just getting by, your not only just finding a way to make a tangible livelihood,

You will be undeniably, irrevocably, truly Living!

Although I know this, these emotions and seemingly impossible situations that life may throw, make me think this journey is not as beautiful as some describe. But then I have to put it all back into its place, find my bearing's, step back, tilt my head, squint my eye and give it a little, itty bitty bit of Perspective.

What's in a name?

What is your name? What do you call yourself?

My name is Charmaine. It means, a song or a songstress. Nice hey? My parents didn't know what it meant when they chose it for me, they just liked the sound of it!

What does your name mean to you? What do you call yourself?

It's meaning may not bear any special significance, but that's really not what I'm asking. What do you call yourself? I used to call myself many things. One of the most frequent was, stupid. I had a complex of feeling dumb. Anytime someone responded with an answer quicker than me, I thought it was because I wasn't smart enough. Many other names I allowed myself to be called. Idiot. Failure. Ugly. That's just to name a few. So, again I ask. Whats your name?

Are you called, Strength? Brave? Maybe, Powerful? Fearless? Unstoppable?

If any of those are your name, I commend you! More power to you! Bravo! But... If you find that you've called yourself unspeakable things. Things that only you yourself will ever know... May I make a humble suggestion? What about the name,

Loved?

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine...

For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour;

I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are Precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you.

Isa 43:1-4

How does your Garden Grow?

This is just one way of seeing Me.

A representation of my life when I allow myself to be what I was created to be.

Though a bulb is so small, it contains that same mysterious life principle which produces growth in the grandest tulip.

When the bulb is cast into the ground, the tiny bulb lays hold of every element that God has provided for it's nutriment, and it speedily develops a sturdy growth. Even a bulb has faith. It trusts the elements and is utterly surrendered to them. If the word produces life, like the the earth produces life, then I have no other choice than to be in it.

There I find I'm complete. There I become what I was created to be.

The Dream

There’s something about surrender that I still fumble around with and can’t get right: What is it about letting go that we all struggle with? When you are born you are forced into a life of total dependency. If you grow up in a fairly good home then for the next 15 to 20 years you live a life that is somewhat sheltered from the real realities of life. You have ’something’ to fall back on like, of course, your family (note that I am simply generalising here). I don’t know when it hit you, but the ‘real’ realities began to strike me like a set of waves around the age of 22 and they haven’t stopped since. As I wrestled with myself and with God I found it easy to say that I trusted; easy to say that I had some sort of faith, but my actions said otherwise. I remember that for about a year I lived with a physical pain in my chest that would rise and fall in severity according to my worries and hurting (I certainly don’t say this to arise in you some pity for me. I say this so you can see how easily the mind can effect even the body but most importantly how the mind and body can effect the spirit as it’s the part of us that connects to His spirit) It was then that I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, all that I had set hopes on were nothing but a vapor, a fantasy. What I used to anticipate with great excitement was slowly turning into a big joke. During this time there was nothing and no-one that I could fall back on. Hearing my pastor preach on beautiful truths only went so far, the comfort of my parents and family only went so deep, but my heart was not healed. In all of this the most horrid thing that could have happened, the most regretful thing I wish I had done different because it would have saved me many tears, was to question and put the blame on God Himself. I thought that what I asked for in my prayers was something He would naturally give because they were ‘good’. In my mind I reasoned: if God is good then good things will come to His children. And once again, although this is true, you and I both know that the good we want does not always turn out ‘good’, does it? What had I done to now be walking alone with no plan for my life, not even dreams? Where was the God that provided a path of security, a path of purpose? I took it even further and questioned his very existence because I reasoned that if He could not control Goodness or Goodwill toward man that maybe He wasn’t in control at all. Maybe this ‘god’ idea was merely a way to make ourselves feel better about a rotten situation. Such were the thoughts of a girl whose heart was torn by a now dreamless life but could not throw questions at God and not have Him answer them (in a strange way). I know He’s there. Otherwise how would I recognize goodness? He must be Good because those ‘waves’ that came upon me were thrown by Him. How does that make him good, you say? I certainly didn’t see this coming. But his answer was clear. It took me almost going under, feeling pain, wrestling and struggling with my faith to finally see what I was resting my entire life on: the dreams, the expectations, the picture I had painted of God, of myself and of this life. So, I felt much like Eustace who, tired of what he had set his hopes on, was ready for Aslan to cut through his scaly dragon skin and find the little boy at the core. All that I had attained, picked up and stored as treasure had become who I was and they were weighing me down. What I had rested my hopes and dreams on was faulty and would have pulled me under had it not been for the realization that even being surrendered to ‘good things’ is not enough to truly live. He is the life. He IS Love. HE is ‘Goodness’ . Like a seed who is totally and unapologetically surrendered to the key elements, so, He had to strip me of these dreams so I could totally surrendered to ‘The Dream’. Himself. The true life worth living, real love and the very source of goodness. Can I express what that dream is? No. I think I’ll spend eternity trying to though.

When I Grow Up...

Everyone has a dream… expectations. A faint, yet beautiful picture of what they hope their life will turn out to be. I had mine. I emphasize the word 'had'. In my early teens, I dreamt of what life might be at the age of twenty four, hardly thinking that it might not turn out to be what I had in mind. Some might think my hopes and goals were too high. If you had said that life has a way of changing our plans, I would have vehemently disagreed with you and told you that you choose certain things in life and what you choose determines the way the story pans out. That’s still true, but only in part. Even though I grew up in a God fearing home, I was only starting to really believe in God myself in my very early teens. I looked into the future at the age of 13 or 14 (if my 14yr old self were here that would be a very important distinction to make) and thought to myself… ‘When I grow up, my walk with God will be so strong that if God were to speak to me I would be able to audibly hear Him. He will speak to me because I'll love like Mother Teresa'. To me, that’s what a "strong relationship" meant... but, oh wait, it gets better! I would say to myself…'when I grow up, I will have married a godly man who can sing, who loves going on the road and who is a real man, (wouldn't cry for anything) all by the age of 21. We would start to think of children by the age of 25 and have our 1st child by the age of 30. Hhmmm...I still want a ‘man-ly’ guy but my timing has been way off! There's more… I would think to myself…'when I grow up, I’m going to be more driven, more dedicated. I will be smarter, wiser, more beautiful inside and (especially) out. I will be more successful because my voice will be a lot more mature and sound just as good as Witney Houston. I will not be shy, I will not be insecure. I will never worry about this or that because I would have grown into myself enough to be sure of most things. I would never worry about my own relationship with God. I'll be so spic and span that not even the whitest snow could compare. I won’t be and never will return to, where I am now. Such were the thoughts of a 13 year old (maybe 14) This was my dream. These were my expectations. An unrealistic painting of my future. Quite comical isn't it? What is really funny (and a little sad) is that I really, really believed it all. I thought that it was all going to happen by the time and age that I gave it. Granted, those things can happen and some might happen, but so far, it has been nothing like I expected. I was around 23, almost 24,( if my 23yr old self were here she would add that age is NOT an important distinction to make). It was a couple of weeks before my birthday when I had a break-down of sorts. Had I achieved all that I set out to do? NO! Where was my knight in shining armor? Where was the spiritually enlightened state I was meant to be at? Where was the strong secure woman I saw in my minds eye? Why wasn't I there yet? With tears in my eyes, I believed that I had failed. The looming cloud of complete disappointment finally surrounded and defeated me. I was half embarrassed that I actually believed my childhood dreams and half heart broken that my dreams hadn’t come true. There have been many sleepless nights of me squinting my eyes shut, trying desperately to imagine more dreams for a girl who's almost 25… The problem is... I had no more dreams. To be continued...

Race Forward

I hope that the first week of the New Year has been fantastic for you! So far for me its been really nice. Although I like Nashville alot, I have to say that LA will always have a special place in my heart. I came to spend Christmas with some of my family, and my family make LA look even better! My cousin Shondor and his lovely wife Lezlie took me to Disneyland as a Christmas gift!

Had a few concerts in San Jose and caught up with old friends, Sandy, Rob, Jono and Megan Pastors of Sunnyvale SDA. We spent a day in San Francisco! I love that city!

Now I'm at my cousins house just chilling and catching up with emails.

I had a bit of a moment in San Francisco though. We had a great day in the city riding the famous trams and doing a bit of shopping but we left the best for last so it was already night time before we reached 'The Golden Gate'.

We went to one lookout then Jono and Megan took us to another lookout on top of a hill. It was a cold and windy night plus it was foggy but none of that could take away from the red bridge's beauty, in fact it made it look all the more grandiose!

My friends and my road manager (which is my dad) were busy taking photos and getting great shots of the the Golden Gate. I stood there mesmerized.

For some reason my mind started to race back to the people who aren't there, my family and my closest friends, then my mind began to race forward to the daunting future.

Although the unknown can be a little scary I've decided to embrace what I don't see. After all that's what faith is, isn't it? Even though i couldn't see the bridge i knew that i knew that the good old San Fransisco Bridge was there.

Even though i don't know what's coming I do know who's leading, which tells me what road I'm on....The road of Love Himself.

This year may be full of crazy ups and downs! Although it's good to keep busy fulfilling whatever it is you feel called to do and, although you might have the craziest schedule, I hope with all my heart that you have peace.

So if your mind is racing with new ideas, goals and aspirations, then let it race forward with confidence! Knowing that even though you can't see far ahead you know which road your on.

It'll all turn out alright :)