My Constant

I have a love hate relationship with my feeling's. They can color my life and bring me to the highest of highs. But they also can bring me down so low that i feel i will never again be happy. I know that may come across a bit over dramatic. But you must remember; Number 1, I'm a girl. Number 2, I'm a girl who's becoming a woman. And all the changes that come with that, can be quite tumultuous! I went to a woman's retreat with my mum this last week-end. Had a great time but I don't think I've seen a body of woman cry so much in my life! But (I'm a little embarrassed to say) i was right there with them! Don't get me wrong, i love the way a "feel good movie" makes me feel. I love getting carried away in a story that has a romantic and happy ending. I like feeling. I even like having a good cry for no apparent reason! What can i say? It's the way God made me :) But it still is a Love, Hate relationship, with my feeling's. Let me explain a little more. You see, i willingly go to watch a movie, accepting the good and the bad 'cause its an experience i payed for. The sad or teary moments in a movie only go so far because after all it's actors, acting. It's all a story that's not my own. So i only experience a mock up version of a dramatized life, that's far from mine. So the sad parts are not so sad. But let's shift now, over to real life. It's a different story isn't it? Nobody likes real pain that causes real tears! I saw countless woman at that retreat who looked weary. The lines around they're eyes told stories of happiness but also of much pain. Pain is always associated with suffering. It is a somatic sensation of acute discomfort. Pain makes you aware of something that wasn't there before. Something that's not welcome. I look at my life and see much happy times. But pain has woven itself in and out and whenever faced with a trial or a situation where i might get hurt i try to avoid it at all costs. But when something painful happens, can you truly avoid it? Can you squeeze under it, jump over it, bend yourself around it? I believe when your hurt, there's nothing you can do but walk through it. And Oh, the feeling's! The tears, the heartache! This is where i wish i didn't feel at all! I wish i could press a button that would stop the ache until time has passed. Women cry to get it off there chest and men try to get busy and distracted because we all feel and deal with pain. So, this is my tiff with feeling's of pain. It colors my world with grief. It acts as a tainted glass by which i view my life. Worst of all, it tells me that this is the real reality of my situation. It makes me feel like things will never change for me. And sometimes i believe it. But wait a sec, if that is my real reality. Then why hope? why long for something better? And if that's not the real reality, then what is? What is the constant reality? I find that even in the mist of grief, every once in a while i have to put feeling's aside. And remember the constant truth that I've come to believe in my life. Everyone has to have their 'constant'. For some it's their family, wife, husband or children. For some its their career or their idea of success, for other's it's art, beauty or music. Whatever it is, it's something that we hold onto for dear life and say, 'you are my steady ground, you pull me back, I'm holding on because I'm trusting that you'll never change. Your my constant'.And for some the anchor they hold on to breaks. For some it stays. But for me, the pain, the hurt, the brokenness, can't hide me from the real reality. I believe in Love. No, not the feeling's of love, (although those are lovely too) I believe in Love Himself. My 'Constant' is the belief, that Love has covered me. My past, this present..and it will cover my life... my pain my tears my joy my insecurities my career my future husband our children their children their children And thousands of generations more. Love has covered it all. My Constant..... And in 24 years i can say, that it hasn't failed me yet.