I only have 5...

If all I had was 5 loaves...and I had to feed 10,000. I wonder if I would try, or find it too hard and walk away? Today i feel like i couldn't. But then there are days when i feel like i could come up with something fantastic..nothing short of a miracle! Yet today i don't. So...obviously, i can't go by how I feel from day to day, seeing that it's so flimsy. Let's look then, at my talents. Hhhmmm. I can sing, write and perform. I've been on the road all my life. So i can tour for quite some time and not feel too home sick. Not bad i guess....but with thousands of musicians in this town, with talents that far exceed mine, i would want to pass the lot off to somebody else, 'better equipped'. My 5 loaves and responsibility to feed the masses, looks near impossible. Wait, it is impossible. My instinct is to give up, to say, someone else from afar can do it. There are other's that have performed amazing things, right? There are the Billy Graham's, the Switchfoot's, the Gandhi's, the C.S.Lewis's, the Corrie Ten Boom's, the Mother Teresa's, the powerful that have done more than i could ever dream! So why then, do i find myself here? Looking out to the multitude from the stage that I'm on, the lights don't hide what i see. The sight is overwhelming. I see faces that are longing, starving for something, anything. No one is looking at me but everyone, from the youngest to the oldest, is worn, tiered and hungry.. No, they're not looking at me, 'cause all that i have is 5 small loaves. They're looking past me, looking between the lines, the melodies, the music. Hoping for something more. Everyone came to see a show, bought tickets expecting for me to sing, to take them to a place where maybe they can forget the hunger pangs. But i only have 5 loaves. My talents aren't enough. Even if i could conjure up something substantial, i can't make whatever i have multiply. I find myself helpless. Everyone has they're moment. They're opportunity to share whatever it is that's of worth to them. And only life, with its brutal storms and unforgiving winds, will tell whether what we had to share was strong enough to withhold itself, or not. So the responsibility is great. I don't know why me of all people is here... but that's not important anymore. Because I'm here. All that matter's is who my source is. Whether it can stand up to this life or not. The world is full of people searching for substance. Something that will last longer than the 'something' before. And i am no different. I am searching also. But i can't escape The Miracle Worker. The one who calls Himself love. A love that answers the longing. I think that I'll bet on Him. I'll close my eyes, lift my hands and know that what i have, is expanding and turning into thousands. And maybe it isn't me....Maybe, just maybe, it is Him. Could it be that the lack of loaves, was and is... Irrelevant? I still find myself helpless, inadequate even...but maybe finally seeing that, is the key, to making it work.

Just because.

I had an Epiphany yesterday. I had dinner and watched house with a few friends and i decided to go home a little earlier, so as i was driving home, i saw Target. I only had about 25min before it closed but i decided to go in anyway. I couldn't help myself! I really had no need to buy anything..i was just wondering around. I passed the kids area where all the toys were and i noticed the the little princess dresses. My Auntie Nelly would dress me up and announce my coming into the royal court as 'Princess Charmaine'. My friends would say that i still have that complex. But i realized something interesting in Target last night. If no one had told me that i was a Princess,(and in essence what they were saying that i was special, noticed etc) then i never would have thought it of myself. It was my aunty's belief in me (being someone of importance to her), that made me think that i was someone in the world. I believed through her belief in me. Now don't get me wrong, i don't mean this is a cocky way. In no way do i believe myself to be any more special than you or anyone else. I'm just saying that i would not have realized my importance if no one had told me that I'm noticed or special to them. So here i was in Target finally getting it! And if you still think I'm big headed, i implore you to read on..! Unless my Dad or Mum or someone in whom has known me for some time, had never told me i was loved, i highly doubt i would have ever believed it to be so. But (in my case) thankfully they did, and i know. I now realize something with a little more depth..i know why this world is so very...what's the right word......messed up! Most people don't believe. We have all become very good actors. Making the people around us think that what our "ideal's of who we are" is the true reality. Yet never really believing it ourselves because behind the mask, we live unloved. So the strain and heartbreak in relationships continues, and people go on living half truth's. What freedom would there be if you knew and believed, that you were undeniably, loved? Now i know very well that many don't know because they haven't been told. Maybe that's you. Maybe not. The great news is that in spite of whether you were or not, it can change with you. It can continue with me. To let others know that they are loved. If they knew, maybe then people would learn to love themselves in a way that opens up the door to love others and accept them, for no other reason than ...just because. To hear someone say it...better yet live it, is what we all long for. Love is a powerful thing. Telling someone that they are loved, is even stronger. Believing it... is freedom. It's so cliche. But i don't care. It's the truth and Princesses don't lie. Plus i think Love Himself would agree..don't you?

Just Here.

Painted one wall in my basement last night with a friend. It used to be an ugly mustard orange. Now its a fresh white. Don't know what color I'll be putting on it...we'll see. May just live with it for a while, you know? I really don't know what to tell you...there's nothing too exciting bout my life right now. No embarrassing moments (yet). I am coming out with a new EP very soon and I'll be sure to tell you when it releases! Be looking out for that :) As of right now, in this moment of time, this very second. There's no sadness, no extreme happiness. No longing. No anxiety. Although, I've had my fair share of it all and I'm sure there's plenty to meet me as time moves on. But with nothing hanging over my mind, no boy right now to entertain my thoughts, no heart to mend. No brokenness, no real excitement. No monumental thought to share...I'm just here. In spite of ALL those things that I have experienced in the past and probably will in the future. In this moment I'm here, with no 'broken bones' it seems. I'm ok. And what do you know? My dad was right! Everything passes in time. Everything. Nothing can pull us so low that we can't keep walking. Unless of course you choose to let it. All the pain or bliss gets etched away in time. It's like I'm a bridge and the stream is Life. On stormy days the water rises to the point of overwhelming me. And then there are days where it all seems picture perfect. So, it's one of those days...maybe I wont fret so much next time the waters seem about to throw me over. It'll pass. As much as there might be more storms, I can be sure to find good days. It all depends on what your bridge is made of. I don't know what yours is made of. Maybe your made of the same stuff as me. Maybe not. I do know what mine is made of, and so... I know it's going to be fine. Just here, right now, I'm ok. Jer 29:11-13

Running with Despereaux.

I find it hard sometimes to get into books of any kind unless its an author I'm familiar with. So i was surprised to be sucked into this little book. The Tale of Despereaux. Go and read it. I wont tell you how it goes in detail cause I don't want to spoil it for you. It's a kid's book but i think it holds some good things that children may know well but adults tend to forget. Over all the story really is about finding light, love, and bravery even in darkness. And in this story it is all found by a mouse. A very unlikely hero. But it always starts with light doesn't it? Is it just me or is every story about light and darkness, good and bad, the knight and the damsel in distress..? We seem to be obsessed with it. Why is that? What's so attractive about it? Why do we feel so satisfied when light,love and the knight win? Despereaux and I have a few things in common. Well...for one thing we both have big ears!haha! (don't feel sorry for me I've made peace with myself and you should too) ;) and we're both small in a very big world. But like despereaux, when introduced to something good. I want to hold on to it for dear life! After all, if i don't cling to goodness the alternative is..well, bad. I believe the reason that we are drawn to stories like despereaux is because, it's a reflection of our experience and more importantly what we hope to have happen to us. At least i do. Love is the force that compels us to walk on. And when faced with evil, dungeons, pit's and darkness. We can be sure that light will come just at the right time to give us enough bravery to complete our purpose! And all because we were introduced to Light that showed us Love that made us brave to face the dark. Yes. It's all the same story. We're in a great story. So..I go on running with despereaux. Sometimes a little scared but knowing the story well enough to know, we win in the end. Good to know hey? Until the next blog, hope your having a fantastic week! In fact, if you want to make it even more fantastic come join me on www.twitter.com/charmainemusic Then if i have another embarrassing 'communication break down' you'll be the first to know! Chao!

Do you have some chewy?

I'd like to think that most people can understand me when i ask for simple things like gum. but being from Australia (where we abbreviate almost everything) apparently not. It's been almost 7 years living here in the USA. its been great! Touring, singing, writing music with good friends but i realize that majority rules. I ask for 'chewy', and in spite of the fact that my friends know what I'm asking for, they have a horrid habit of correcting me. I say ''lets go have some chip's'' they still give this look like, what are you talking about? When they ALL know that I'm talking about fries! Give me a break people! Some things are hard to shake. And there are tons of little things I've changed just to communicate properly with you. Can we not find some common ground? I had a bit of an episode at a restaurant where a tiny Asian lady went around taking our drink order. She came around to me and i asked her for some water. simple, water. she would reply with a confused look and say woo tah? she thought i wanted some sort of soup i think. I tried saying water with an American accent but that just makes me sound like i have a golf ball stuck in my mouth, which made her even more confused...and all the while, as we're having our communication break-down the whole table went silent. my lovely friend's with they're perfect American accents offered no help but watched my embarrassment like a fascinating tennis match between the Australian/Chilean and the little Asian lady! one of my friends finally satisfied with the entertainment for the night decided to ask for water on my behalf. what the heck!? she only understood the American version of water. i don't think I'm asking for a ton...only that when i ask for some chewy... just give me some flipping gum! After all, how boring would this world be if we were the same? So, maybe learn a little more of me and I'll learn a little more of you. So when i ask for some chips you know i mean fries and when you want some gum, I'll know you want some chewy. I'll also learn how to say water like an American. When we don't understand each other it'll make for a very entertaining situation. If you don't know me, my name is Charmaine, I'm 24 from Australia, a singer/songwriter about to release her new EP. Also to go on tour with Matt Ridenour! Just letting you know pieces of me. so..... you wouldn't happen to have some chewy on you, would ya? ;)