Fighting Furies

Total absence of love is the definition of evil. I'm convinced. Love in it's fullness and purity is strictly 'other-centredness'. Total selflessness. Church and church goers and generally 'good citizens' have historically labeled drinking, smoking, drugs and the abuse thereof, as well as murder, elicit sex and many other acts and things as 'sin' and 'evil'; but those things in themselves, I believe, are not Sin and Evil. An apple is not the tree itself. The tree gives birth to the apple, and so, those things we label as 'sins' are not the Sin itself. So what is it? Who is it? Is it a concept? Is it a person? Is it Lucifer? We have so often had a fear and hate for Satan with such a passion that we fail to realize he is not the 'real' culprit. I dare say that he is also a willful victim of something far more horrid than himself. Now, if you'll take a moment to let this thought settle, the most proper reaction to this is: 'what in the world'?! When this thought first dawned on me, I felt afraid. It's always easy to blame it on the Devil, isn't it? Like that often used phrase: "the devil made me do it!" We like to label things and acts as 'sin' in general and especially when we see it in other people. We like the tangible, the visible. We like to take those sins and sometimes the people that are attached to them, put them in a box and label it all kinds of things; but over all, we call it sin. Some people are satisfied with this. For a time (I'm ashamed to say) so was I... Not anymore. There is no multiple 'causes and effects'. I believe there is only ONE cause and multiple effects. So, here's the thorn in my mind. If these 'evils', so to speak, is not Evil itself, then someone needs to ring the alarm! That hideousness, that thing that makes abuse and murder and all manner of wrong: its 'fruit' or 'effect', that beast is still out there! We couldn't be more off track... We have caught and caged the WRONG THING! Tell me then, where does 'it' come from if it didn't come from Lucifer? What is sin? Some time ago, in my minds eye, I was in the dark; felt around for the switch, turned on the light. Looked hard into myself and found what I thought could never be found in me. That same hideousness. Now, come down this road with me, hypothetically speaking. Did I stab someone when my knife did the piercing or when I chose to do it the week before? When does the deed become reality? I'm going to slap you in the the face...wait a sec...just did that in my head already...never mind. Maybe this is why we hate pornography so much. Even though it leads to the act, deep down inside we know that the act had been done over and over again in the mind, long before the tangible deed was done. So we find that, that hideous strength is relentless because it's the embodiment of selfishness which is fueled by our passions. Let me repeat: our passions! It's UNLOVE. Now we see it for what it truly is. We have come face to face with Sin. When this thought dawned on me I felt ashamed because I finally saw myself for what I really am. Unloving. What can be done? I feel sometimes like David facing Goliath, except this Goliath is more monstrous and has already thrown many blows. Still I ask: What can be done? I'm in a battle that I am certain I can't win because I know me. I know that my body and will is that: selfish, unloving. I know it. Before I drown you and myself in a pit of sorrow there is still one more thought to consider. The 'ying' has to have the 'yang'. The bad has goodness matching it's every blow. The dark story always has light breaking free it's captors. Evil never goes without being fought! Love Himself came down to save us, a loveless world. Is this a made up myth? Are these our stories? Did we conjure them up to somehow give our lives a sense of hope? No, I believe not. This is too 'good' of a story for our tainted minds to come up with. We look towards love as our salvation because, do you realize, Love Himself is the only one that is selfless? Our complete opposite. If evil begets evil, then surely love begets love! So I find myself in this battle: fighting furies,waging war; sometimes against myself. I know that the only way to win is to stop being what I am. Which in itself is an impossibility. Can a leopard change its spots? No. Impossible. But I've come to believe that Love is far bigger than this hideous, selfish, loveless Sin. Reader, (if your still reading), go now to the love chapter: 1st Corinthians 13. Read it all the way through BUT instead of the word 'love' replace it with your name. Read it out loud. Reflect. Then go and read it through again BUT instead of the word 'love', now replace it with His name. There you will finally find your peace. Knowing now that only Love can 'do' and 'be' what we cannot. Love is greater than sin. Love has won.

What I hope for You.

I just had a great couple of weeks with my cousin Jason Marcela and their 2 beautiful girls, Jasmine and Ashley! Went to Florida,visited 3 theme parks and ate allot. It was so much fun!

I had to drop them off at the airport last Sunday. The 3 weeks that they were here with us seemed like a dream! And i didn't have a good cry about it until today. I really miss them..But i know that the world is getting smaller. Plus we're working on a tour through New-Zealand and Australia in April, so i hope to see them soon.

I was remembering a conversation i had with Jason last time i was in Sydney. I had spent most of the day with him and he was dropping me off at my cousin Nat's house.

I had had a lot of questions and worries about my future, which formed a mini storm in my mind. J and i pulled into Natalie's drive way, he pulled my things out of the boot (trunk), as he did so He asked me a question that sort of took me off guard. He said, 'charmy, what does it really mean to be successful, to you? What is success?

I fumbled around some cliche answer, but in reality, all my answers were so superficial, so shallow.

In all honesty, i didn't really believe my own answer.

Without any comment on my little speech on what success is, he went on to tell me what his story has been.

He grew up in a strong and influential family,always has loved music, he sings, writes, and produces. He married at an early age, had a baby girl thought that music was THE thing he was to do for the rest of his life, maybe success had come! Toured with a music ministry for a while, with his wife and his brand new baby girl.

But life on the road in Australia is difficult and doesn't pay enough, not for a small family to survive.

To cut a long story short he had a house that they had to move out of. He moved in with his parents. Things were not working out the way he thought it would. Struggling to make ends meet, where was his success now? Where was "the good life" he had wanted?

Marcela (whom i look up to very much) his wife, saw more than Jason could see at times. She believed in him.

Jason decided to go back to school (Graphic design). He ended up graduating from his classes with high distinction! Companies left and right wanted to work with him. He thought that he had now arrived and you could say that financially he did.

But in his heart nothing had changed. The good life which is now available to him paid him no comfort like he thought it would.

Where was the fulfillment? The bliss that came with "making it"? Wouldn't you know it? It wasn't where He thought it would be.

Jason had the Epiphany of his life. He walked in the way of Love Himself or as best as he could and found what he was not seeing, all the time.

Marcela is his castle. Their children are their crowning jewels and glory. The love that they have for each other is the solid foundation.

He had it all along....Success!!

So...although you may be bombarded with the standards this culture, your peers, your parents or even yourself says you should have, in order to 'make it'.

I hope you find something more.

A foundation made by Love Himself. A castle built with true companionship. And crowns full of priceless jewels.

May that be your success.

My Constant

I have a love hate relationship with my feeling's. They can color my life and bring me to the highest of highs. But they also can bring me down so low that i feel i will never again be happy. I know that may come across a bit over dramatic. But you must remember; Number 1, I'm a girl. Number 2, I'm a girl who's becoming a woman. And all the changes that come with that, can be quite tumultuous! I went to a woman's retreat with my mum this last week-end. Had a great time but I don't think I've seen a body of woman cry so much in my life! But (I'm a little embarrassed to say) i was right there with them! Don't get me wrong, i love the way a "feel good movie" makes me feel. I love getting carried away in a story that has a romantic and happy ending. I like feeling. I even like having a good cry for no apparent reason! What can i say? It's the way God made me :) But it still is a Love, Hate relationship, with my feeling's. Let me explain a little more. You see, i willingly go to watch a movie, accepting the good and the bad 'cause its an experience i payed for. The sad or teary moments in a movie only go so far because after all it's actors, acting. It's all a story that's not my own. So i only experience a mock up version of a dramatized life, that's far from mine. So the sad parts are not so sad. But let's shift now, over to real life. It's a different story isn't it? Nobody likes real pain that causes real tears! I saw countless woman at that retreat who looked weary. The lines around they're eyes told stories of happiness but also of much pain. Pain is always associated with suffering. It is a somatic sensation of acute discomfort. Pain makes you aware of something that wasn't there before. Something that's not welcome. I look at my life and see much happy times. But pain has woven itself in and out and whenever faced with a trial or a situation where i might get hurt i try to avoid it at all costs. But when something painful happens, can you truly avoid it? Can you squeeze under it, jump over it, bend yourself around it? I believe when your hurt, there's nothing you can do but walk through it. And Oh, the feeling's! The tears, the heartache! This is where i wish i didn't feel at all! I wish i could press a button that would stop the ache until time has passed. Women cry to get it off there chest and men try to get busy and distracted because we all feel and deal with pain. So, this is my tiff with feeling's of pain. It colors my world with grief. It acts as a tainted glass by which i view my life. Worst of all, it tells me that this is the real reality of my situation. It makes me feel like things will never change for me. And sometimes i believe it. But wait a sec, if that is my real reality. Then why hope? why long for something better? And if that's not the real reality, then what is? What is the constant reality? I find that even in the mist of grief, every once in a while i have to put feeling's aside. And remember the constant truth that I've come to believe in my life. Everyone has to have their 'constant'. For some it's their family, wife, husband or children. For some its their career or their idea of success, for other's it's art, beauty or music. Whatever it is, it's something that we hold onto for dear life and say, 'you are my steady ground, you pull me back, I'm holding on because I'm trusting that you'll never change. Your my constant'.And for some the anchor they hold on to breaks. For some it stays. But for me, the pain, the hurt, the brokenness, can't hide me from the real reality. I believe in Love. No, not the feeling's of love, (although those are lovely too) I believe in Love Himself. My 'Constant' is the belief, that Love has covered me. My past, this present..and it will cover my life... my pain my tears my joy my insecurities my career my future husband our children their children their children And thousands of generations more. Love has covered it all. My Constant..... And in 24 years i can say, that it hasn't failed me yet.

I only have 5...

If all I had was 5 loaves...and I had to feed 10,000. I wonder if I would try, or find it too hard and walk away? Today i feel like i couldn't. But then there are days when i feel like i could come up with something fantastic..nothing short of a miracle! Yet today i don't. So...obviously, i can't go by how I feel from day to day, seeing that it's so flimsy. Let's look then, at my talents. Hhhmmm. I can sing, write and perform. I've been on the road all my life. So i can tour for quite some time and not feel too home sick. Not bad i guess....but with thousands of musicians in this town, with talents that far exceed mine, i would want to pass the lot off to somebody else, 'better equipped'. My 5 loaves and responsibility to feed the masses, looks near impossible. Wait, it is impossible. My instinct is to give up, to say, someone else from afar can do it. There are other's that have performed amazing things, right? There are the Billy Graham's, the Switchfoot's, the Gandhi's, the C.S.Lewis's, the Corrie Ten Boom's, the Mother Teresa's, the powerful that have done more than i could ever dream! So why then, do i find myself here? Looking out to the multitude from the stage that I'm on, the lights don't hide what i see. The sight is overwhelming. I see faces that are longing, starving for something, anything. No one is looking at me but everyone, from the youngest to the oldest, is worn, tiered and hungry.. No, they're not looking at me, 'cause all that i have is 5 small loaves. They're looking past me, looking between the lines, the melodies, the music. Hoping for something more. Everyone came to see a show, bought tickets expecting for me to sing, to take them to a place where maybe they can forget the hunger pangs. But i only have 5 loaves. My talents aren't enough. Even if i could conjure up something substantial, i can't make whatever i have multiply. I find myself helpless. Everyone has they're moment. They're opportunity to share whatever it is that's of worth to them. And only life, with its brutal storms and unforgiving winds, will tell whether what we had to share was strong enough to withhold itself, or not. So the responsibility is great. I don't know why me of all people is here... but that's not important anymore. Because I'm here. All that matter's is who my source is. Whether it can stand up to this life or not. The world is full of people searching for substance. Something that will last longer than the 'something' before. And i am no different. I am searching also. But i can't escape The Miracle Worker. The one who calls Himself love. A love that answers the longing. I think that I'll bet on Him. I'll close my eyes, lift my hands and know that what i have, is expanding and turning into thousands. And maybe it isn't me....Maybe, just maybe, it is Him. Could it be that the lack of loaves, was and is... Irrelevant? I still find myself helpless, inadequate even...but maybe finally seeing that, is the key, to making it work.

Just because.

I had an Epiphany yesterday. I had dinner and watched house with a few friends and i decided to go home a little earlier, so as i was driving home, i saw Target. I only had about 25min before it closed but i decided to go in anyway. I couldn't help myself! I really had no need to buy anything..i was just wondering around. I passed the kids area where all the toys were and i noticed the the little princess dresses. My Auntie Nelly would dress me up and announce my coming into the royal court as 'Princess Charmaine'. My friends would say that i still have that complex. But i realized something interesting in Target last night. If no one had told me that i was a Princess,(and in essence what they were saying that i was special, noticed etc) then i never would have thought it of myself. It was my aunty's belief in me (being someone of importance to her), that made me think that i was someone in the world. I believed through her belief in me. Now don't get me wrong, i don't mean this is a cocky way. In no way do i believe myself to be any more special than you or anyone else. I'm just saying that i would not have realized my importance if no one had told me that I'm noticed or special to them. So here i was in Target finally getting it! And if you still think I'm big headed, i implore you to read on..! Unless my Dad or Mum or someone in whom has known me for some time, had never told me i was loved, i highly doubt i would have ever believed it to be so. But (in my case) thankfully they did, and i know. I now realize something with a little more depth..i know why this world is so very...what's the right word......messed up! Most people don't believe. We have all become very good actors. Making the people around us think that what our "ideal's of who we are" is the true reality. Yet never really believing it ourselves because behind the mask, we live unloved. So the strain and heartbreak in relationships continues, and people go on living half truth's. What freedom would there be if you knew and believed, that you were undeniably, loved? Now i know very well that many don't know because they haven't been told. Maybe that's you. Maybe not. The great news is that in spite of whether you were or not, it can change with you. It can continue with me. To let others know that they are loved. If they knew, maybe then people would learn to love themselves in a way that opens up the door to love others and accept them, for no other reason than ...just because. To hear someone say it...better yet live it, is what we all long for. Love is a powerful thing. Telling someone that they are loved, is even stronger. Believing it... is freedom. It's so cliche. But i don't care. It's the truth and Princesses don't lie. Plus i think Love Himself would agree..don't you?

Just Here.

Painted one wall in my basement last night with a friend. It used to be an ugly mustard orange. Now its a fresh white. Don't know what color I'll be putting on it...we'll see. May just live with it for a while, you know? I really don't know what to tell you...there's nothing too exciting bout my life right now. No embarrassing moments (yet). I am coming out with a new EP very soon and I'll be sure to tell you when it releases! Be looking out for that :) As of right now, in this moment of time, this very second. There's no sadness, no extreme happiness. No longing. No anxiety. Although, I've had my fair share of it all and I'm sure there's plenty to meet me as time moves on. But with nothing hanging over my mind, no boy right now to entertain my thoughts, no heart to mend. No brokenness, no real excitement. No monumental thought to share...I'm just here. In spite of ALL those things that I have experienced in the past and probably will in the future. In this moment I'm here, with no 'broken bones' it seems. I'm ok. And what do you know? My dad was right! Everything passes in time. Everything. Nothing can pull us so low that we can't keep walking. Unless of course you choose to let it. All the pain or bliss gets etched away in time. It's like I'm a bridge and the stream is Life. On stormy days the water rises to the point of overwhelming me. And then there are days where it all seems picture perfect. So, it's one of those days...maybe I wont fret so much next time the waters seem about to throw me over. It'll pass. As much as there might be more storms, I can be sure to find good days. It all depends on what your bridge is made of. I don't know what yours is made of. Maybe your made of the same stuff as me. Maybe not. I do know what mine is made of, and so... I know it's going to be fine. Just here, right now, I'm ok. Jer 29:11-13

Running with Despereaux.

I find it hard sometimes to get into books of any kind unless its an author I'm familiar with. So i was surprised to be sucked into this little book. The Tale of Despereaux. Go and read it. I wont tell you how it goes in detail cause I don't want to spoil it for you. It's a kid's book but i think it holds some good things that children may know well but adults tend to forget. Over all the story really is about finding light, love, and bravery even in darkness. And in this story it is all found by a mouse. A very unlikely hero. But it always starts with light doesn't it? Is it just me or is every story about light and darkness, good and bad, the knight and the damsel in distress..? We seem to be obsessed with it. Why is that? What's so attractive about it? Why do we feel so satisfied when light,love and the knight win? Despereaux and I have a few things in common. Well...for one thing we both have big ears!haha! (don't feel sorry for me I've made peace with myself and you should too) ;) and we're both small in a very big world. But like despereaux, when introduced to something good. I want to hold on to it for dear life! After all, if i don't cling to goodness the alternative is..well, bad. I believe the reason that we are drawn to stories like despereaux is because, it's a reflection of our experience and more importantly what we hope to have happen to us. At least i do. Love is the force that compels us to walk on. And when faced with evil, dungeons, pit's and darkness. We can be sure that light will come just at the right time to give us enough bravery to complete our purpose! And all because we were introduced to Light that showed us Love that made us brave to face the dark. Yes. It's all the same story. We're in a great story. So..I go on running with despereaux. Sometimes a little scared but knowing the story well enough to know, we win in the end. Good to know hey? Until the next blog, hope your having a fantastic week! In fact, if you want to make it even more fantastic come join me on www.twitter.com/charmainemusic Then if i have another embarrassing 'communication break down' you'll be the first to know! Chao!

Do you have some chewy?

I'd like to think that most people can understand me when i ask for simple things like gum. but being from Australia (where we abbreviate almost everything) apparently not. It's been almost 7 years living here in the USA. its been great! Touring, singing, writing music with good friends but i realize that majority rules. I ask for 'chewy', and in spite of the fact that my friends know what I'm asking for, they have a horrid habit of correcting me. I say ''lets go have some chip's'' they still give this look like, what are you talking about? When they ALL know that I'm talking about fries! Give me a break people! Some things are hard to shake. And there are tons of little things I've changed just to communicate properly with you. Can we not find some common ground? I had a bit of an episode at a restaurant where a tiny Asian lady went around taking our drink order. She came around to me and i asked her for some water. simple, water. she would reply with a confused look and say woo tah? she thought i wanted some sort of soup i think. I tried saying water with an American accent but that just makes me sound like i have a golf ball stuck in my mouth, which made her even more confused...and all the while, as we're having our communication break-down the whole table went silent. my lovely friend's with they're perfect American accents offered no help but watched my embarrassment like a fascinating tennis match between the Australian/Chilean and the little Asian lady! one of my friends finally satisfied with the entertainment for the night decided to ask for water on my behalf. what the heck!? she only understood the American version of water. i don't think I'm asking for a ton...only that when i ask for some chewy... just give me some flipping gum! After all, how boring would this world be if we were the same? So, maybe learn a little more of me and I'll learn a little more of you. So when i ask for some chips you know i mean fries and when you want some gum, I'll know you want some chewy. I'll also learn how to say water like an American. When we don't understand each other it'll make for a very entertaining situation. If you don't know me, my name is Charmaine, I'm 24 from Australia, a singer/songwriter about to release her new EP. Also to go on tour with Matt Ridenour! Just letting you know pieces of me. so..... you wouldn't happen to have some chewy on you, would ya? ;)