When I Grow Up...

Everyone has a dream… expectations. A faint, yet beautiful picture of what they hope their life will turn out to be. I had mine. I emphasize the word 'had'. In my early teens, I dreamt of what life might be at the age of twenty four, hardly thinking that it might not turn out to be what I had in mind. Some might think my hopes and goals were too high. If you had said that life has a way of changing our plans, I would have vehemently disagreed with you and told you that you choose certain things in life and what you choose determines the way the story pans out. That’s still true, but only in part. Even though I grew up in a God fearing home, I was only starting to really believe in God myself in my very early teens. I looked into the future at the age of 13 or 14 (if my 14yr old self were here that would be a very important distinction to make) and thought to myself… ‘When I grow up, my walk with God will be so strong that if God were to speak to me I would be able to audibly hear Him. He will speak to me because I'll love like Mother Teresa'. To me, that’s what a "strong relationship" meant... but, oh wait, it gets better! I would say to myself…'when I grow up, I will have married a godly man who can sing, who loves going on the road and who is a real man, (wouldn't cry for anything) all by the age of 21. We would start to think of children by the age of 25 and have our 1st child by the age of 30. Hhmmm...I still want a ‘man-ly’ guy but my timing has been way off! There's more… I would think to myself…'when I grow up, I’m going to be more driven, more dedicated. I will be smarter, wiser, more beautiful inside and (especially) out. I will be more successful because my voice will be a lot more mature and sound just as good as Witney Houston. I will not be shy, I will not be insecure. I will never worry about this or that because I would have grown into myself enough to be sure of most things. I would never worry about my own relationship with God. I'll be so spic and span that not even the whitest snow could compare. I won’t be and never will return to, where I am now. Such were the thoughts of a 13 year old (maybe 14) This was my dream. These were my expectations. An unrealistic painting of my future. Quite comical isn't it? What is really funny (and a little sad) is that I really, really believed it all. I thought that it was all going to happen by the time and age that I gave it. Granted, those things can happen and some might happen, but so far, it has been nothing like I expected. I was around 23, almost 24,( if my 23yr old self were here she would add that age is NOT an important distinction to make). It was a couple of weeks before my birthday when I had a break-down of sorts. Had I achieved all that I set out to do? NO! Where was my knight in shining armor? Where was the spiritually enlightened state I was meant to be at? Where was the strong secure woman I saw in my minds eye? Why wasn't I there yet? With tears in my eyes, I believed that I had failed. The looming cloud of complete disappointment finally surrounded and defeated me. I was half embarrassed that I actually believed my childhood dreams and half heart broken that my dreams hadn’t come true. There have been many sleepless nights of me squinting my eyes shut, trying desperately to imagine more dreams for a girl who's almost 25… The problem is... I had no more dreams. To be continued...