What's in a name?

What is your name? What do you call yourself?

My name is Charmaine. It means, a song or a songstress. Nice hey? My parents didn't know what it meant when they chose it for me, they just liked the sound of it!

What does your name mean to you? What do you call yourself?

It's meaning may not bear any special significance, but that's really not what I'm asking. What do you call yourself? I used to call myself many things. One of the most frequent was, stupid. I had a complex of feeling dumb. Anytime someone responded with an answer quicker than me, I thought it was because I wasn't smart enough. Many other names I allowed myself to be called. Idiot. Failure. Ugly. That's just to name a few. So, again I ask. Whats your name?

Are you called, Strength? Brave? Maybe, Powerful? Fearless? Unstoppable?

If any of those are your name, I commend you! More power to you! Bravo! But... If you find that you've called yourself unspeakable things. Things that only you yourself will ever know... May I make a humble suggestion? What about the name,

Loved?

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine...

For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour;

I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are Precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you.

Isa 43:1-4

How does your Garden Grow?

This is just one way of seeing Me.

A representation of my life when I allow myself to be what I was created to be.

Though a bulb is so small, it contains that same mysterious life principle which produces growth in the grandest tulip.

When the bulb is cast into the ground, the tiny bulb lays hold of every element that God has provided for it's nutriment, and it speedily develops a sturdy growth. Even a bulb has faith. It trusts the elements and is utterly surrendered to them. If the word produces life, like the the earth produces life, then I have no other choice than to be in it.

There I find I'm complete. There I become what I was created to be.

The Dream

There’s something about surrender that I still fumble around with and can’t get right: What is it about letting go that we all struggle with? When you are born you are forced into a life of total dependency. If you grow up in a fairly good home then for the next 15 to 20 years you live a life that is somewhat sheltered from the real realities of life. You have ’something’ to fall back on like, of course, your family (note that I am simply generalising here). I don’t know when it hit you, but the ‘real’ realities began to strike me like a set of waves around the age of 22 and they haven’t stopped since. As I wrestled with myself and with God I found it easy to say that I trusted; easy to say that I had some sort of faith, but my actions said otherwise. I remember that for about a year I lived with a physical pain in my chest that would rise and fall in severity according to my worries and hurting (I certainly don’t say this to arise in you some pity for me. I say this so you can see how easily the mind can effect even the body but most importantly how the mind and body can effect the spirit as it’s the part of us that connects to His spirit) It was then that I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, all that I had set hopes on were nothing but a vapor, a fantasy. What I used to anticipate with great excitement was slowly turning into a big joke. During this time there was nothing and no-one that I could fall back on. Hearing my pastor preach on beautiful truths only went so far, the comfort of my parents and family only went so deep, but my heart was not healed. In all of this the most horrid thing that could have happened, the most regretful thing I wish I had done different because it would have saved me many tears, was to question and put the blame on God Himself. I thought that what I asked for in my prayers was something He would naturally give because they were ‘good’. In my mind I reasoned: if God is good then good things will come to His children. And once again, although this is true, you and I both know that the good we want does not always turn out ‘good’, does it? What had I done to now be walking alone with no plan for my life, not even dreams? Where was the God that provided a path of security, a path of purpose? I took it even further and questioned his very existence because I reasoned that if He could not control Goodness or Goodwill toward man that maybe He wasn’t in control at all. Maybe this ‘god’ idea was merely a way to make ourselves feel better about a rotten situation. Such were the thoughts of a girl whose heart was torn by a now dreamless life but could not throw questions at God and not have Him answer them (in a strange way). I know He’s there. Otherwise how would I recognize goodness? He must be Good because those ‘waves’ that came upon me were thrown by Him. How does that make him good, you say? I certainly didn’t see this coming. But his answer was clear. It took me almost going under, feeling pain, wrestling and struggling with my faith to finally see what I was resting my entire life on: the dreams, the expectations, the picture I had painted of God, of myself and of this life. So, I felt much like Eustace who, tired of what he had set his hopes on, was ready for Aslan to cut through his scaly dragon skin and find the little boy at the core. All that I had attained, picked up and stored as treasure had become who I was and they were weighing me down. What I had rested my hopes and dreams on was faulty and would have pulled me under had it not been for the realization that even being surrendered to ‘good things’ is not enough to truly live. He is the life. He IS Love. HE is ‘Goodness’ . Like a seed who is totally and unapologetically surrendered to the key elements, so, He had to strip me of these dreams so I could totally surrendered to ‘The Dream’. Himself. The true life worth living, real love and the very source of goodness. Can I express what that dream is? No. I think I’ll spend eternity trying to though.

When I Grow Up...

Everyone has a dream… expectations. A faint, yet beautiful picture of what they hope their life will turn out to be. I had mine. I emphasize the word 'had'. In my early teens, I dreamt of what life might be at the age of twenty four, hardly thinking that it might not turn out to be what I had in mind. Some might think my hopes and goals were too high. If you had said that life has a way of changing our plans, I would have vehemently disagreed with you and told you that you choose certain things in life and what you choose determines the way the story pans out. That’s still true, but only in part. Even though I grew up in a God fearing home, I was only starting to really believe in God myself in my very early teens. I looked into the future at the age of 13 or 14 (if my 14yr old self were here that would be a very important distinction to make) and thought to myself… ‘When I grow up, my walk with God will be so strong that if God were to speak to me I would be able to audibly hear Him. He will speak to me because I'll love like Mother Teresa'. To me, that’s what a "strong relationship" meant... but, oh wait, it gets better! I would say to myself…'when I grow up, I will have married a godly man who can sing, who loves going on the road and who is a real man, (wouldn't cry for anything) all by the age of 21. We would start to think of children by the age of 25 and have our 1st child by the age of 30. Hhmmm...I still want a ‘man-ly’ guy but my timing has been way off! There's more… I would think to myself…'when I grow up, I’m going to be more driven, more dedicated. I will be smarter, wiser, more beautiful inside and (especially) out. I will be more successful because my voice will be a lot more mature and sound just as good as Witney Houston. I will not be shy, I will not be insecure. I will never worry about this or that because I would have grown into myself enough to be sure of most things. I would never worry about my own relationship with God. I'll be so spic and span that not even the whitest snow could compare. I won’t be and never will return to, where I am now. Such were the thoughts of a 13 year old (maybe 14) This was my dream. These were my expectations. An unrealistic painting of my future. Quite comical isn't it? What is really funny (and a little sad) is that I really, really believed it all. I thought that it was all going to happen by the time and age that I gave it. Granted, those things can happen and some might happen, but so far, it has been nothing like I expected. I was around 23, almost 24,( if my 23yr old self were here she would add that age is NOT an important distinction to make). It was a couple of weeks before my birthday when I had a break-down of sorts. Had I achieved all that I set out to do? NO! Where was my knight in shining armor? Where was the spiritually enlightened state I was meant to be at? Where was the strong secure woman I saw in my minds eye? Why wasn't I there yet? With tears in my eyes, I believed that I had failed. The looming cloud of complete disappointment finally surrounded and defeated me. I was half embarrassed that I actually believed my childhood dreams and half heart broken that my dreams hadn’t come true. There have been many sleepless nights of me squinting my eyes shut, trying desperately to imagine more dreams for a girl who's almost 25… The problem is... I had no more dreams. To be continued...

Race Forward

I hope that the first week of the New Year has been fantastic for you! So far for me its been really nice. Although I like Nashville alot, I have to say that LA will always have a special place in my heart. I came to spend Christmas with some of my family, and my family make LA look even better! My cousin Shondor and his lovely wife Lezlie took me to Disneyland as a Christmas gift!

Had a few concerts in San Jose and caught up with old friends, Sandy, Rob, Jono and Megan Pastors of Sunnyvale SDA. We spent a day in San Francisco! I love that city!

Now I'm at my cousins house just chilling and catching up with emails.

I had a bit of a moment in San Francisco though. We had a great day in the city riding the famous trams and doing a bit of shopping but we left the best for last so it was already night time before we reached 'The Golden Gate'.

We went to one lookout then Jono and Megan took us to another lookout on top of a hill. It was a cold and windy night plus it was foggy but none of that could take away from the red bridge's beauty, in fact it made it look all the more grandiose!

My friends and my road manager (which is my dad) were busy taking photos and getting great shots of the the Golden Gate. I stood there mesmerized.

For some reason my mind started to race back to the people who aren't there, my family and my closest friends, then my mind began to race forward to the daunting future.

Although the unknown can be a little scary I've decided to embrace what I don't see. After all that's what faith is, isn't it? Even though i couldn't see the bridge i knew that i knew that the good old San Fransisco Bridge was there.

Even though i don't know what's coming I do know who's leading, which tells me what road I'm on....The road of Love Himself.

This year may be full of crazy ups and downs! Although it's good to keep busy fulfilling whatever it is you feel called to do and, although you might have the craziest schedule, I hope with all my heart that you have peace.

So if your mind is racing with new ideas, goals and aspirations, then let it race forward with confidence! Knowing that even though you can't see far ahead you know which road your on.

It'll all turn out alright :)

Fighting Furies

Total absence of love is the definition of evil. I'm convinced. Love in it's fullness and purity is strictly 'other-centredness'. Total selflessness. Church and church goers and generally 'good citizens' have historically labeled drinking, smoking, drugs and the abuse thereof, as well as murder, elicit sex and many other acts and things as 'sin' and 'evil'; but those things in themselves, I believe, are not Sin and Evil. An apple is not the tree itself. The tree gives birth to the apple, and so, those things we label as 'sins' are not the Sin itself. So what is it? Who is it? Is it a concept? Is it a person? Is it Lucifer? We have so often had a fear and hate for Satan with such a passion that we fail to realize he is not the 'real' culprit. I dare say that he is also a willful victim of something far more horrid than himself. Now, if you'll take a moment to let this thought settle, the most proper reaction to this is: 'what in the world'?! When this thought first dawned on me, I felt afraid. It's always easy to blame it on the Devil, isn't it? Like that often used phrase: "the devil made me do it!" We like to label things and acts as 'sin' in general and especially when we see it in other people. We like the tangible, the visible. We like to take those sins and sometimes the people that are attached to them, put them in a box and label it all kinds of things; but over all, we call it sin. Some people are satisfied with this. For a time (I'm ashamed to say) so was I... Not anymore. There is no multiple 'causes and effects'. I believe there is only ONE cause and multiple effects. So, here's the thorn in my mind. If these 'evils', so to speak, is not Evil itself, then someone needs to ring the alarm! That hideousness, that thing that makes abuse and murder and all manner of wrong: its 'fruit' or 'effect', that beast is still out there! We couldn't be more off track... We have caught and caged the WRONG THING! Tell me then, where does 'it' come from if it didn't come from Lucifer? What is sin? Some time ago, in my minds eye, I was in the dark; felt around for the switch, turned on the light. Looked hard into myself and found what I thought could never be found in me. That same hideousness. Now, come down this road with me, hypothetically speaking. Did I stab someone when my knife did the piercing or when I chose to do it the week before? When does the deed become reality? I'm going to slap you in the the face...wait a sec...just did that in my head already...never mind. Maybe this is why we hate pornography so much. Even though it leads to the act, deep down inside we know that the act had been done over and over again in the mind, long before the tangible deed was done. So we find that, that hideous strength is relentless because it's the embodiment of selfishness which is fueled by our passions. Let me repeat: our passions! It's UNLOVE. Now we see it for what it truly is. We have come face to face with Sin. When this thought dawned on me I felt ashamed because I finally saw myself for what I really am. Unloving. What can be done? I feel sometimes like David facing Goliath, except this Goliath is more monstrous and has already thrown many blows. Still I ask: What can be done? I'm in a battle that I am certain I can't win because I know me. I know that my body and will is that: selfish, unloving. I know it. Before I drown you and myself in a pit of sorrow there is still one more thought to consider. The 'ying' has to have the 'yang'. The bad has goodness matching it's every blow. The dark story always has light breaking free it's captors. Evil never goes without being fought! Love Himself came down to save us, a loveless world. Is this a made up myth? Are these our stories? Did we conjure them up to somehow give our lives a sense of hope? No, I believe not. This is too 'good' of a story for our tainted minds to come up with. We look towards love as our salvation because, do you realize, Love Himself is the only one that is selfless? Our complete opposite. If evil begets evil, then surely love begets love! So I find myself in this battle: fighting furies,waging war; sometimes against myself. I know that the only way to win is to stop being what I am. Which in itself is an impossibility. Can a leopard change its spots? No. Impossible. But I've come to believe that Love is far bigger than this hideous, selfish, loveless Sin. Reader, (if your still reading), go now to the love chapter: 1st Corinthians 13. Read it all the way through BUT instead of the word 'love' replace it with your name. Read it out loud. Reflect. Then go and read it through again BUT instead of the word 'love', now replace it with His name. There you will finally find your peace. Knowing now that only Love can 'do' and 'be' what we cannot. Love is greater than sin. Love has won.

What I hope for You.

I just had a great couple of weeks with my cousin Jason Marcela and their 2 beautiful girls, Jasmine and Ashley! Went to Florida,visited 3 theme parks and ate allot. It was so much fun!

I had to drop them off at the airport last Sunday. The 3 weeks that they were here with us seemed like a dream! And i didn't have a good cry about it until today. I really miss them..But i know that the world is getting smaller. Plus we're working on a tour through New-Zealand and Australia in April, so i hope to see them soon.

I was remembering a conversation i had with Jason last time i was in Sydney. I had spent most of the day with him and he was dropping me off at my cousin Nat's house.

I had had a lot of questions and worries about my future, which formed a mini storm in my mind. J and i pulled into Natalie's drive way, he pulled my things out of the boot (trunk), as he did so He asked me a question that sort of took me off guard. He said, 'charmy, what does it really mean to be successful, to you? What is success?

I fumbled around some cliche answer, but in reality, all my answers were so superficial, so shallow.

In all honesty, i didn't really believe my own answer.

Without any comment on my little speech on what success is, he went on to tell me what his story has been.

He grew up in a strong and influential family,always has loved music, he sings, writes, and produces. He married at an early age, had a baby girl thought that music was THE thing he was to do for the rest of his life, maybe success had come! Toured with a music ministry for a while, with his wife and his brand new baby girl.

But life on the road in Australia is difficult and doesn't pay enough, not for a small family to survive.

To cut a long story short he had a house that they had to move out of. He moved in with his parents. Things were not working out the way he thought it would. Struggling to make ends meet, where was his success now? Where was "the good life" he had wanted?

Marcela (whom i look up to very much) his wife, saw more than Jason could see at times. She believed in him.

Jason decided to go back to school (Graphic design). He ended up graduating from his classes with high distinction! Companies left and right wanted to work with him. He thought that he had now arrived and you could say that financially he did.

But in his heart nothing had changed. The good life which is now available to him paid him no comfort like he thought it would.

Where was the fulfillment? The bliss that came with "making it"? Wouldn't you know it? It wasn't where He thought it would be.

Jason had the Epiphany of his life. He walked in the way of Love Himself or as best as he could and found what he was not seeing, all the time.

Marcela is his castle. Their children are their crowning jewels and glory. The love that they have for each other is the solid foundation.

He had it all along....Success!!

So...although you may be bombarded with the standards this culture, your peers, your parents or even yourself says you should have, in order to 'make it'.

I hope you find something more.

A foundation made by Love Himself. A castle built with true companionship. And crowns full of priceless jewels.

May that be your success.